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When we are no longer able to change a situation we are challenged to change ourselves. Viktor Frankal
Welcome to this weeks lesson. As you read and reflect I encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Consider playing soft music in the background as you participate in the lesson. Or have a cup of your favorite soothing herbal tea nearby. Set the stage of a calm nurturing environment and then come back to the lesson.
Compassion with self and others is a fluid dance. Let us meditate on this poignant prose as we prepare to enter the space of forgiveness
Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and right doing there is a field. Ill meet you there. When the Soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about it. -Rumi
Why Forgiveness Is Mandatory To Unleash Your Purpose
Forgiveness is another word for freedom. -Unknown
The process of healing is painful, so we often avoid it as long as possible. However, on the other side of that pain is our peace and our freedom.
Negative energy swallows up the positive. If we do not release hurt, suffering, pain, sorrow, fear as we move through life then the spiritual and physical body and mind become lethargic, taxed and imbalanced. This ultimately affects the state of the Soul. Until we clean this mess up we cannot bring in the new. When we hang onto unforgiveness toward self and others, we give up our power. Power is our energy source.
Imagine starting a new garden and instead of filling the ground and tending to it by removing weeds and debris we left the ground full of weeds. What happens if you don't remove them? If you don't pull them out by the root? What happens if you don't continue to tend to the garden once it's been planted? The weeds will return and strangle out the plant, the fruit life.
This is the reason forgiveness is required.
Making Peace: Creating the Change of Perspective
Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror. -Byron Katie
Unforgiveness nearly always plays a factor in self-sabotage. When we think of forgiveness we most often associate it with forgiving another. I have found that a lack of forgiving the self is an epidemic.
Any loss is deserving of a grieving process in order to process and release it. Your path to peace is not found in anger, resentment or unforgiveness but in grieving the experience.
Making Peace with What Is: The Reality of Pain and Suffering
It's a boulder, and you can't climb your mountain with a boulder weighing you down. Visualize it. Youre carrying all of this, its energy, heavy energy. Until you release it how can you climb higher?
But what about the one who hurt me? Did they know what they were doing? Whether they understood the ramifications that would affect your life or not, the point is just that; it's your life. Does hanging on to the unforgiveness serve your ultimate good, or for that matter change the reality that it occurred.
Its time for some firm Love; how much longer will you put your purpose, your offering, on hold by allowing another to hold the power over you they possess when you have not done the work to forgive? Even if that offending person you have not forgiven is you.
Processing the Pain
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. -Viktor Frankal
Shock is necessary for the body and Soul to process the state of grief and loss. When we think of grief it is most often associated with death, but the end of a relationship, a betrayal, loss of a job or belief we held as true (example: my loved one would not betray me) is definitely a loss to be grieved. As we move into acceptance of the event that harmed us we can begin to release the trauma slowly and gentle by embracing the truth that this experience is a universal experience of life. We all experience grief. It is a part of life. How we choose to process that grief is a personal and unique experience.
Your pain is real and in no way is it being suggested that it not be properly tended to and processed. What is being said is until that effort is made and occurs you will carry the weight of it.
Making the Choice to Forgive
Forgiveness is not as much an event as a choice. A choice you will make again and again as memories and reminders of past betrayals enter your mind. Too many allow these events to overcome them, sadly some do so indefinitely.
Anxiety is at monumental heights in our culture and while it has many causes, a prevalent source is rumination over past betrayals, hurts and traumas.
Of course, we don't want to feel or face the pain, but the only way to the other side is to move through the process of forgiving. Trying not to feel the pain hardens us, creates weakness in the spirit and always increases suffering. Getting stuck in that cycle creates anxiety and depression.
The question is, are you going to continue to allow this to dominate your life in the now? If your answer is no, as I hope it is, then you have a choice. Now that you are armed with the awareness you have received in the past lessons, you can move forward.
But, How Do I Forgive
The first step is to make a choice to forgive. And it's a falsehood to believe we can say those words once and everything fine. Now, initially, you may experience an enormous weight off your shoulders. But long term forgiveness is a daily choose and practice. Just as anything that creates enduring change in our Souls and subconscious minds, forgiveness is absolutely a practice.
Meditation helps us to get into a state of being forgiving. Why? Because when we connect to that clear, compassionate space of Oneness and Love we release the ego and are able to view the situations that create conflict within us not so personally. As we evolve we allow ourselves to transmute the pain into lessons.
Creating a place free from judgements within yourself is a gift to you. I find walking meditation to be an excellent tool for forgiveness. Do this walking meditation in a safe area where your attention can be focused on releasing. A good place would be your backyard or a safe park you are familiar with.
As you clear your mind through meditation, this stillness of mind combined with the movement of walking creates an opening where we can release the energy associated with the event. You can incorporate affirmative statements such as, With each step, I release the (insert emotions and event here) that no longer serves me. I walk into my future with freedom.
We will not forget, but we can choose to move forward.
Truths on Letting Go
Letting go is no longer punishing yourself (or another) for a wrong, perceived or actual.
Letting go is a part of the mourning process.
Letting go is valuing your own peace of mind, sanity, over the details of the situation.
Letting go is the breathing out of what is past and the taking in of what can now be.
Letting go is not forgetting, but seeing in a new way.
Letting go is to see truth without creating illusions of self-protection for you are not protecting the self when you do not accept reality. You are lying to the self, which creates a house divided within.
Letting go is to go within for Love instead of seeking and clinging to those things outside of yourself for which you have no control.
Letting go is to see with a cosmic eye and not a singular one of only your experience.
Letting go is to have faith something grander exists and awaits you.
Myths About Forgiveness
Myth: I have to completely forgive another to heal. Actually, what is most needed is acceptance. The willingness to forgive is the seed, acceptance is the fruit. Often we can plant the seed of forgiveness and then let it rest in the soil. As we continue to choose to water this seed by being open to and committed to forgiveness the fruit of acceptance begins to grow. Acceptance allows us to ease and release a situation or person as it simultaneously frees us of suffering.
Myth: I must confront the person who harmed me face to face in order to forgive them. It is often not needed for you to enter into a deep process with the person you offer forgiveness, confronting them, unless you plan on continuing to have an intimate relationship with them. You can forgive without a word being said to another. It is your inner dialogue that matters.
Myth: Once I forgive I should be able to have the offender in my life again. This is not always true. Forgiveness does not equate forgetting. The only thing that removes memories is brain damage. Forgiveness is compassion born of grace. You can forgive a person and still make the choice to no longer have them as a part of your life. This decision will vary with every situation. Consult a counselor one on one if you require additional guidance in determining the future of your relationship. The decision has many facets including the nature of the betrayal, the severity and history of the relationship. Regardless, it must be addressed.
When we fight reality it creates a vortex of victimhood and dissociation with reality. It's a common occurrence. We can't handle or wrap our minds around what has occurred so we trick ourselves believing blame will relieve us. This creates a new belief in our minds. We rewrite our story. If we rewrite in a self-destructive way, victimhood sets up camp.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou
It bears repeating, you can forgive and still choose to no longer have a relationship with the other.
EXERCISE: Speak this healing affirmation over yourself, preferably either with eyes shut laying down, hands placed over the heart chakra or while sitting in front of a mirror looking into your own eyes.
I realize (name of whoever has hurt us in the past) may not have the awareness to realize or understand the harm they committed. I choose to forgive them. I forgive myself as I release myself from the feelings and emotions it created. I now release this energy to the Divine and cut all energetic cords that connect me with this memory. I ask that any energy that is not of the Divine or myself be cleared from my body. I am free to live my ultimate purpose.
Self-Forgiveness: The Final Frontier
I am learning to dance on the graves of my past mistakes. -Pat Schneider
Now, what about self-forgiveness...
That's a biggie. And often times as a psychotherapist and individual; quite honestly I have found it can be the most challenging.
The questions I would like you to ask yourself are:
After answering these questions I ask you to return to the beginning of this lesson and apply all aspects of it to yourself, as you have others.
I have the power to courageously move through the grief process of forgiving another, and self, creating a peaceful and Loving environment that frees me to fulfill my highest purpose.
Empowerment Steps
To accelerate and fortify efforts during the course we incorporate Empowerment Steps that can be immediately implemented into action daily.
This week we add a new Empowerment Step as we continue reaffirming the previous week's intentions:
Soulwork:
We have the highest of intentions to self-actualize. We want to be a part of making the world a better place. To do this most effectively we must learn self-care, self-Love and self-forgiveness. Remember the oxygen mask example the stewardess demonstrates on each flight? Return to the photo of the airplane oxygen mask this week. Ensure it is placed where you will see it each day. Allow this to be your visual reminder of the dedication you have made to self-care and self-Love including forgiveness.
Associated Energy Exercise:
This week I encourage you to sit in front of a mirror and look into your own eyes. Do not just look at your face or at your eyes, look into your eyes. As you do I would like for you to now these three statements:
Repeat this exercise as often as possible. At first, it may feel odd or as if you are not being truthful with yourself. Give the exercise a chance, at least three times a day for a minimum of three weeks. As the energy shifts, so will your heart.
Journaling of Progress:
Create a list of reasons you have given yourself as justified for procrastination on any project you want to accomplish. You can also make a short list of 3-5 areas in which you feel confident you are gifted as well as an additional list of areas you feel you need additional assistance from time to time. After doing so reflect on how self-care, self-love and self-forgiveness alter these areas.
Do you expect perfectionism from yourself or others? Do you believe your talents are real? Do you believe you deserve and will receive the assistance you ask for? As your patience and compassion increases toward yourself how will it affect the areas listed?
Putting it down on paper can assist you in seeing how you create change by embracing self-Love and forgiveness.
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